he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
