I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
