Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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