take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
