apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
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can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
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If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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