The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i drank out of a bidet.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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