why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
