His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
