we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
