Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So vagazzling was a success
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
