Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
