shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
