mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
