Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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