Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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