she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
