my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
