i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize