I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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