I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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