Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
