Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
