At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
