I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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