I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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