you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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