Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
