My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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