Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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