On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
