at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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