we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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