It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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