I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
