Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
