if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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