my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
