Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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