i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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