its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
