Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
