Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
