hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Sober January is a disaster.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
