Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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