My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
