she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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