Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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