You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
