I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i think i just lost a toe
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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