I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
