Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?