oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
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Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.