I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
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Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time