Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
