are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
