On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
