M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
